The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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