that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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