so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
