i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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