dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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