she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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