nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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