btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
