You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
