even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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