she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
