party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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