you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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