Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
