I feel like abortions should bother me more
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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