It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
