I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The air was thick with penises
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
