The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
