I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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