Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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