I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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