The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
