you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
