I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
