i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
