I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
