Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I will pee on everything he values.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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