I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
