then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
