All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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