I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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