party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
