Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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