Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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