Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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