tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
