i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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