Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
