im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
