The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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