How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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