Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
