My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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