Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
