rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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