just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
