I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
