I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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