I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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