I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
