I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's always time for handjobs
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
