No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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