im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just cropdusted the office
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
